TOP FIVE: Sweeney Todd Subtitles

Hey there, everybody.

Today we thought we'd share with you, our loyal readers, a delightful experience we recently had involving one of those oh-so-glorious 75 cent dee-wee-dees, specifically, Sweeney Todd. After buying said DVD, returning home, putting it on and settling down on the couch, we noticed, to our annoyance, that there were great big subtitles in Chinese along the bottom of the screen. Not a disaster by any means, as all we had to do was toggle through the subtitle menu until our screen was free of clutter and distractions. We did not reach that point. The first language after Chinese happened to be English, and we just happened to be at the point of the movie when the title, "Sweeney Todd; Demon Barber of Fleet Street", was on the screen. To our delight, right below the title was what we can only deduce was some poor Chinese persons attempt at translating the Chinese subtitles back into English: "name of the movie: barber's pottery be virtuous". So it was that we spent the next hour and a half watching Sweeney Todd with English subtitles, jotting down the funniest and most bizarre translations for your reading enjoyment. A Top Five was nowhere near enough to encompass the level of absurdity of these subtitles, so we've expanded to a Top Twelve. Here they are, in no particular order, with the quote from the English subtitles first, and the actual quote from the movie following:

1. "If return on the hoof, you'll find me out for ability!" - "You might find me if you like"
2. "This is the most London the fruit of the mess parties" - "Worst pies in London"
3. "I am you the tapeworm in the belly, shut up" - "Poppin' pusses into pies"
4. "Which more sexy?" - "People think it's haunted"
5. "I difficult way not the United States" - "There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful"
6. "Be like the clown in the poker similar" - "Benjamin Barker"
7. "Lo this how garbage goods" - "What's this? Smells like piss"
8. "Chan the water of the alcohol" - "This is piss, piss with ink"
9. "I be a dithyramb, send a kiss to everyone's a joss-stick" - "I am Pirelli, the king of the barbers, the barber of kings, bongiorno goodday. I send you a kiss"
10. "Don't be nasty first up, rightness small fart Hai" - "His home is right upstairs. You wouldn't mind if I gave you a juicy meat pie, wouldya?"
11. "Kid your stem does the Yao sell dog skin medicated plaster" - "He didn't have your nice head of hair, though"
12. "That go to a prostitute and seek" - "Why don't you wait for your master downstairs?"

There you have it. The subtitles are usually bad, but this one really stepped it to a new level. Feel free to start a discussion/argument on your favorite quotes.

Sam and Jono